Sometimes it gets boring and tiring knowing what's gonna happen next. I'm not talking about the bigger picture of life but rather daily happenings. And how would I know what's up next? Coz I planned it all.

I miss the element of surprise. The little good things that happen unexpectedly. Having a daily job that's almost like being a high class factory worker (input, process, output, report) is just all the more making me yearn for some life in things outside that world. And yet, I know every step of the way from the moment I step out of my office till I sleep. The whole cycle happens again the day after, week after. All well planned. By me. It's like watching a movie that you've seen before and you know what's gonna happen next. The funny thing is, God hasn't been intervening for quite some time now so whatever is planned, happens. I dunno if that's good or bad but sometimes I feel like I'm carrying something really heavy on my back. It's aching like crazy. (literally)

I'm tired of "planning" the next step. If nothing happens, so be it. Even if it means missing a movie, skipping lunch etc. So tired.

just.so.tired.

I need a self-soul-searching getaway after all this. I can't wait for Bali. I don't need anymore questions. Just answers.

Ok God, you can get back behind the wheel. I just wanna lie down at the back of the car and sleep for a while. Maybe for a long while. You know best.

It's almost 2am. Been out most of my waking hours today.

And I can't sleep a wink right now.

Bullet trains packed with "tasks" are speeding through my mind. Trains packed with people too. Hmmm...alot of weird things have been happening. Floating cows and short giraffes are seen hugging snowmen in spring.

I think of the person. I meet.
I think of the person. They call.
I question. Get answered. Ok, that's not weird.
Before I can think of the problem, there's already a solution calling me. Literally. Like through my cellphone.

Dang baby! You gotta be kidding me if you don't believe that Someone's playing some strings on ya life up there.

Birthdays, food, weddings, forgotten weddings lol, arguments, food, fishes, food, tapes, camcorders, food...

I think I'm hungry. And there are too many wires lying around.

The air in the room lingers and it’s not just a place where she lays her head to rest. It’s much more. So much more. The silence swells like a sponge, absorbing everything in its way. She sits to think but the silence is deafening; too loud that she can’t even hear herself think. Her heart listens to what the silence is screaming. It’s familiar. All too familiar. Sounds like a resounding cry of anger, frustration, hurt, betrayal and pain.

At the end of the day, it’s all about what she’s willing to lose. If none she owns, none will she forfeit but all to gain. In some games, the ball isn’t in her court but she wants to play. Having no understanding or uncoerced tolerance, she plays the role of Silence until the ball comes back.

Now she's in a car with only one gear. D. There's a signboard just in front. ONE WAY STREET. There's no turning back. Her head turns to look behind at all that could be there. Only a figure stands out from the rest. She waves goodbye, her heart wrenching at every wave and degree of her head as she turns away to drive.

Uproot.
Take all.
Head into the mist.

So be it.